Don’t call me a negative Nancy on this one. You have to know why I’ve changed. What my life would’ve continued to look like if I hadn’t noticed the clock.
It was March and Covid had just started to shut Canada and my workplace down until further notice. At this point I was pretty sick, mentally and physically. For years, I had been working on healing the excess bacteria in my gut called SIBO. Most days were a nightmare and I basically just tried to get through the work day. I was also in the process of another supplement and diet protocol to balance my hormones. My body was incredibly out of whack and I was disappointed with how unhealthy I had let myself get.
The last couple years were rough to say the least. In 2015, I married my high school sweetheart and moved 8 hours away to a bigger, better city. We moved in with 3 of my family members (not ideal to start a new marriage). It was rocky at first, we never really felt like newlyweds, and with a new city and job seeking we were struggling. Fast track to 2018, I finally decided that the man I married was far from who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. This is where it all kind of started. I had extreme anxiety the last few months of our relationship. I started feeling sick all the time. I had an upset stomach, anxiety, I couldn’t sleep at night (mostly due to the fact that I had lost my bedroom and was sleeping on the floor in the basement). We lived together for 5 months after deciding to get divorced and I had never been more sick in my life. I thought if I could just get through the rest of the lease it would be smooth sailing after.
I looked for comfort in the gym. I would escape almost daily to lift, do cardio or anything that wasn’t at home. I had a goal in mind, to look the best I ever had. I was incredibly specific on my meal plans, not only for aesthetics but to ease my SIBO pain. I lost track of how many times my lunch consisted of bell peppers, tuna and mustard. I was basically starving and I couldn’t see it. I went 2 months without a rest day, and when I asked when the last time I hadn’t checked in was, I knew something was wrong. I felt like something was wrong when I couldn’t lift a box at work without feeling weak. It took a race day for me to realize how small I had gotten. We ran Tough Mudder and even though I felt like I killed it, I needed to be carried to the car after. When I look back at the pictures we took, it’s hard to remember the fun I had. Now, I can only feel how tired I had been. Later that year I got diagnosed with Orthorexia Nervosa. An eating disorder in which you have an obsession with healthy food. Although my meals are so much fuller and satisfying now, eating more is something I have to work on everyday.
I moved 3 more times in a year. I was renting a room from a friend at student housing, and after a summer of countless partying, untidiness and feeling overwhelmed living with six other strangers, I moved three months later. In the next house, my boyfriends parents opened their home to me and I rented a room in the basement from them. It was an adjustment since my boyfriend and I hadn’t been together that long. Also, being a Twenty Six year old that moved back into a house with “parents” didn’t quite sit well with me. After about six months, I decided that we couldn’t blend our lifestyles together and I moved back in with my sister. Living at my sisters’ gave me such a sense of relief but never felt like “home”.
At the end of 2019, I landed a better paying job, a new apartment with my twin and things seemed to be falling into place. Until I ended up consistently sick for my first 6 months at my new job. I varied from SIBO flareups, the Flu, Sinus infections and the common cold. Needless to say, my weak immune system couldn’t handle how taxing my job, training, lack of sleep and inability to absorb nutrients was. I felt like the world and everyone on it was fighting against me and I just couldn’t catch a break. I ended up in my first car accident, that even with insurance, drained my bank account. I lost eight days of work a month later due to a major surgery I had on my foot to remove Skin Cancer. The week of surgery was one of the worst of my life. I was bed ridden, and alone because my sister was at work. I felt horrible because I couldn’t get any movement in and I was eating junk all day. After 8 days I was healed enough to limp around work and was so grateful to be moving around. I vowed never to use a tanning bed again.
This year started off much the same. I was paying a massive amount of money for yet another specialist. After 3 months and thousands of dollars later, I had heard the classic “ sorry I couldn’t help, you should get further testing done”. That pretty much broke me. I was fighting for my health and my sanity as well. I worked every bit of overtime I could to afford this treatment and in the end, I was not only broke, but even more exhausted. Until Covid came and I got the peace I never realized I needed.
The journey has only just begun, I can honestly say I’ll never regret anything that has happened. It’s led me to the story I’m ready to tell…
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